I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
