She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
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