ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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