Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
