I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
i am craving dick and cupcakes
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
