did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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