Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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