Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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