i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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