she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
