my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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