if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
