I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
