so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
