Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
