my phone needs a breathalizer
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
