can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
