I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
