i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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