saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
