You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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