they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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