mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
