god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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