Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
