Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
