mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
