I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
