someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
