anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
