Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
