i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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