I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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