I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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