So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I can't put those talents on a resume
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
