Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
