i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
