i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
