my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
