I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
