I hate all girls vehemently.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
