I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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