if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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