i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
