Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
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