I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
