just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
