I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
