Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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