remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
