Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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