Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
